Blogography

I've been down on myself for quite some time, understandably so in light of my circumstances. So, it's 3 am and I am still awake, therefore I have decided the best way to put myself (and my audience) asleep is to make a post about all of my good qualities. If nothing else, it will make me feel better.

What about me is so special? Nothing and everything. I have notable qualities that set me apart, for instance my hair color, but those are only really surface things. I could still have this hair and yet be a completely different person. It's what's inside, what I was born with and what I have become through environment that is special.

I am patient in all the wrong areas of life. When I want something, I want it yesterday. When someone hurts me, I am patient and let it slide. I don't know how that happened, I think it's a codependency issue from my parents, but I try to correct that the best I know how. Some things in life I think it's okay to want now, even if you can't have it. It gives you a reason to wake up the next day, a reason to love and cherish my thoughts and dreams.

I am noble. I come from strong stock that have had lots of things thrown at them, and yet we are all still alive. Even when the worst of my life has occurred, I think that the nobleness in my blood kept my head held just a little bit above the current at all times. I'm not saying that I can withstand any problems - I definitely have some coping issues dealing with life events - but I find that I can be strong if I need to be. I can garner up the audacity to be who I need to be at that moment.

I am an introvert, yet I am not shy. I'm quiet, bookish, sometimes seen as strangely calm. Inside I am a ping pong ball full of emotions, but to the person who only glances and does not look, I am but a shy little mouse. I do keep things to myself, I've tried to give myself permission to let my feelings be known, but that's easier said than done. I grew up with a best friend/sister figure who was outgoing, so I had no need to be that person in the group. I never really outgrew it, or else it's just part of my personality. I DO know that once you look at me, get to know who I am, you see that the introvert is still friendly and funny and crazy and random. I just show it to fewer people than most others.

I am a romantic. I believe in love as much as I believe in breathing. My whole life is about love in some form or another. I want things that are so simple and yet impossible anymore. I want kisses in the rain, I want afternoons curled up together reading books, I want culture and fun and moments that freeze in time. I want to not be afraid to speak my mind, whatever the outcome. I want to be loved for who I am, not what I can be. I want to love someone who makes me feel like I'm special, yet at the same time, I can't believe that this person would ever love someone like me. It's the awe of each other that makes the best relationships. The feeling of being lucky that someone has come across your path that is outstanding and actually feels the same way about little old you. I come across as a little standoffish, but inside is the heart of a poet, and always will be. To capture me, in my opinion, is to capture someone who will love you like you've always dreamed of.

I am a mother. I always wanted to be, perhaps not quite this way with divorce, but I will never divorce my son and I know he will always be an integral part of my life. He loves me in a way no man can, unconditionally, even when he is in trouble and yells at me for being unfair. He's upset, but he knows that I do it out of love, not out of uncaring. He is my charm, my precious. I would die without him. He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, he gives me reasons to be a child at heart again. God knows I haven't caught a firefly since I was 12, but here I am again, chasing lighted bugs around a backyard for my son to keep at his bedside.

I am smart. Intellectual seems a bit lofty, but I know what I know. Whether it be pointless facts I've absorbed along the way of life, or something I studied at one time, they are in my mind. I find that a lot of the things I know are because of the people I surrounded myself with. They taught me a lot, and their experience becomes my own. I read, I think, I write. I do the usual thing. I am 2 points from genius on my IQ. That's good enough for me.

I love happiness. I love looking into people's eyes and seeing reflected back love and friendship and happiness that they are sharing moments with me. Children, lovers, parents - they all have these eyes at some point to share. Connection is highly underrated. Having a connection is almost all you need in life to go forth and expand it. I connect to few people on a deep level. I like it that way. So few know me, and so fewer ever will.

I can cook. I can organize like no one's business. I love photography and I am a fan of history and genealogy. I try to be crafty, but am only mildly successful with making things by hand. I'm more of a thinker, an idea maker. I leave the hands-on to others who can make it happen. I'm happy just coming up with ideas. I love discussions and random things happening in my life. Seriously, I hardly seem to plan because I just want life to happen to me on a certain level. Even this week I had a random thing happen that was unexpected but I embrace it and make it part of my memory book in my head. I like to do that. I like it better when the randomness becomes part of my life, but some things are not up to me, and I have to rely on God and the other people in my life to make it so.

I like the color pink. I love roses and tulips. I have fired countless truck drivers over the last few years, and that's hard to do when you are 5'4" and 120 pounds. Not many drivers take a little girl seriously. I have hope. I have dreams. I live in a John Hughes movie sometimes, but it's better than nothing. I wish I had more girl friends. I get along with guys better - it comes from having 2 brothers and a dad, plus girls are wishy-washy a lot, and I get along with those who make me push myself to my limits, who make me the woman I should be, not just pander to what I lazily become. I like to be challenged.

So, this has not really become a list of my good qualities per say, but an overall view of myself. A blogography, if you will. I just wanted to vent out my feelings and make myself see who I am by writing it all down. I know what I want in life. It's just getting it that's the hardest, and ultimately rewarding, part.

Now go to bed, or go to work, whatever you are not doing while reading this blog! Shoo!