Time flies when you're unemployed.
I have about 3 1/2 months left on my unemployment and nowhere nearer a job. I am a special person (ha) and it's difficult for me to find a job that is neither entry level nor in some specialty that I don't have. I joke that I could be the locker room attendant at the country club for the men, but really, there's not much out there. I think I'm trying too hard to find a perfect job, when just a JOB would suffice.
It's July now, my son has officially met ex's new girlfriend as of this weekend. The two things that bother me about this are 1) I had to go through hell and back when I wanted my son to meet who I was dating, but once the ex found a girlfriend, it was no problem for him to introduce her and 2) He has just started dating her and I'm afraid that it won't last and my son will be having different women in his life soon. It's just the double standard that bothers me the most.
Now that things are settling down a bit, of course my head is spinning. I am slowing to a near stop in all things decisive. It's good for me, I need to sort out stuff. I've spent so much time fighting with my ex and all of the other bad things that I haven't had time to assess my own personal wealth and needs. Now I have the moment to look at life as unbiasedly as I can and see what I need right now. This is hard work, assessing. I'm not a 21 year old anymore. I'm 31, reaching that point where kids' games are not fun for me (unless I'm playing with my 5 year old). I had that life that everyone thinks they want by the time they're 30, but in reality, I wish I had waited and not started until I was about this age. I'd have made more intelligent decisions, or at least I think I would have done so. The thing about getting married and having kids in your 20's is that you skip a part of establishing yourself. That's what the 20's meant to me. The 30's are when you know who you are and then you can build on what you want, but so many people want it all right out of the gate. I guess what I'm saying is that being in the 30's is a much more solid place than your 20's. Look at me, I got married at 25 and divorced at 31. Starter wife, that's ME! I thought it was what I wanted and now, looking back, I wish I'd had more patience.
But - you can't change the past, only what you do now. So I'm taking it all in slowly, making sure that I have the patience to see what it real and what I need in my life before taking steps. It's hard when you're used to being impulsive, but it needs to be this way for me right now.
So, find a job, get a place to live, learn to love properly - it's all going to take time.
Unfortunately, when you're older, you have less of it. :-)
Monday, July 2, 2007
Friday, June 29, 2007
A Poetry Repost
I mentioned a poem earlier in the week. Doubtless the thought was remembered, but I decided to post it here tonight, since I am in my own dreamworld that is always just a bit awry. It is a poem that I based off a poem that Hamlet wrote to Ophelia. Here is the excerpt from Shakespeare:
To the celestial, and my soul's idol, the most beautified Ophelia:
Doubt
If you want you can doubt the moon
I look on every time I pray
Or you can doubt the very sun
That I will use to find my way
Doubt the darkness when you sleep
The silence that will reveal dreams
You can doubt the pouring rain
Where I find nothing what it seems
Maybe you can doubt the miles
I never counted distance from
Perhaps your doubt may lie in stones
That adding can never contain the sum
Go to doubt the oldest ocean
Whose waters invite me to sail the seas
Doubt, then, the boldest, deepest color
Dulling in comparison to what I perceive
Even doubt the roaming clouds
Where answers I find when I look above
But one thing you can't ever doubt
Is why or when of who I love.
To the celestial, and my soul's idol, the most beautified Ophelia:
Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt thou the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt, I love.
O dear Ophelia, I am ill at these numbers; I have not art to reckon
my groans; but that I love thee best, O most best, believe it! Adieu.
-Thine, evermore, most dear lady...
-(Whilst this machine is to him), -Hamlet
Doubt
If you want you can doubt the moon
I look on every time I pray
Or you can doubt the very sun
That I will use to find my way
Doubt the darkness when you sleep
The silence that will reveal dreams
You can doubt the pouring rain
Where I find nothing what it seems
Maybe you can doubt the miles
I never counted distance from
Perhaps your doubt may lie in stones
That adding can never contain the sum
Go to doubt the oldest ocean
Whose waters invite me to sail the seas
Doubt, then, the boldest, deepest color
Dulling in comparison to what I perceive
Even doubt the roaming clouds
Where answers I find when I look above
But one thing you can't ever doubt
Is why or when of who I love.
Some poems are timeless, take on meaning in the now. Strong emotions are my specialty.
Blogography
I've been down on myself for quite some time, understandably so in light of my circumstances. So, it's 3 am and I am still awake, therefore I have decided the best way to put myself (and my audience) asleep is to make a post about all of my good qualities. If nothing else, it will make me feel better.
What about me is so special? Nothing and everything. I have notable qualities that set me apart, for instance my hair color, but those are only really surface things. I could still have this hair and yet be a completely different person. It's what's inside, what I was born with and what I have become through environment that is special.
I am patient in all the wrong areas of life. When I want something, I want it yesterday. When someone hurts me, I am patient and let it slide. I don't know how that happened, I think it's a codependency issue from my parents, but I try to correct that the best I know how. Some things in life I think it's okay to want now, even if you can't have it. It gives you a reason to wake up the next day, a reason to love and cherish my thoughts and dreams.
I am noble. I come from strong stock that have had lots of things thrown at them, and yet we are all still alive. Even when the worst of my life has occurred, I think that the nobleness in my blood kept my head held just a little bit above the current at all times. I'm not saying that I can withstand any problems - I definitely have some coping issues dealing with life events - but I find that I can be strong if I need to be. I can garner up the audacity to be who I need to be at that moment.
I am an introvert, yet I am not shy. I'm quiet, bookish, sometimes seen as strangely calm. Inside I am a ping pong ball full of emotions, but to the person who only glances and does not look, I am but a shy little mouse. I do keep things to myself, I've tried to give myself permission to let my feelings be known, but that's easier said than done. I grew up with a best friend/sister figure who was outgoing, so I had no need to be that person in the group. I never really outgrew it, or else it's just part of my personality. I DO know that once you look at me, get to know who I am, you see that the introvert is still friendly and funny and crazy and random. I just show it to fewer people than most others.
I am a romantic. I believe in love as much as I believe in breathing. My whole life is about love in some form or another. I want things that are so simple and yet impossible anymore. I want kisses in the rain, I want afternoons curled up together reading books, I want culture and fun and moments that freeze in time. I want to not be afraid to speak my mind, whatever the outcome. I want to be loved for who I am, not what I can be. I want to love someone who makes me feel like I'm special, yet at the same time, I can't believe that this person would ever love someone like me. It's the awe of each other that makes the best relationships. The feeling of being lucky that someone has come across your path that is outstanding and actually feels the same way about little old you. I come across as a little standoffish, but inside is the heart of a poet, and always will be. To capture me, in my opinion, is to capture someone who will love you like you've always dreamed of.
I am a mother. I always wanted to be, perhaps not quite this way with divorce, but I will never divorce my son and I know he will always be an integral part of my life. He loves me in a way no man can, unconditionally, even when he is in trouble and yells at me for being unfair. He's upset, but he knows that I do it out of love, not out of uncaring. He is my charm, my precious. I would die without him. He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, he gives me reasons to be a child at heart again. God knows I haven't caught a firefly since I was 12, but here I am again, chasing lighted bugs around a backyard for my son to keep at his bedside.
I am smart. Intellectual seems a bit lofty, but I know what I know. Whether it be pointless facts I've absorbed along the way of life, or something I studied at one time, they are in my mind. I find that a lot of the things I know are because of the people I surrounded myself with. They taught me a lot, and their experience becomes my own. I read, I think, I write. I do the usual thing. I am 2 points from genius on my IQ. That's good enough for me.
I love happiness. I love looking into people's eyes and seeing reflected back love and friendship and happiness that they are sharing moments with me. Children, lovers, parents - they all have these eyes at some point to share. Connection is highly underrated. Having a connection is almost all you need in life to go forth and expand it. I connect to few people on a deep level. I like it that way. So few know me, and so fewer ever will.
I can cook. I can organize like no one's business. I love photography and I am a fan of history and genealogy. I try to be crafty, but am only mildly successful with making things by hand. I'm more of a thinker, an idea maker. I leave the hands-on to others who can make it happen. I'm happy just coming up with ideas. I love discussions and random things happening in my life. Seriously, I hardly seem to plan because I just want life to happen to me on a certain level. Even this week I had a random thing happen that was unexpected but I embrace it and make it part of my memory book in my head. I like to do that. I like it better when the randomness becomes part of my life, but some things are not up to me, and I have to rely on God and the other people in my life to make it so.
I like the color pink. I love roses and tulips. I have fired countless truck drivers over the last few years, and that's hard to do when you are 5'4" and 120 pounds. Not many drivers take a little girl seriously. I have hope. I have dreams. I live in a John Hughes movie sometimes, but it's better than nothing. I wish I had more girl friends. I get along with guys better - it comes from having 2 brothers and a dad, plus girls are wishy-washy a lot, and I get along with those who make me push myself to my limits, who make me the woman I should be, not just pander to what I lazily become. I like to be challenged.
So, this has not really become a list of my good qualities per say, but an overall view of myself. A blogography, if you will. I just wanted to vent out my feelings and make myself see who I am by writing it all down. I know what I want in life. It's just getting it that's the hardest, and ultimately rewarding, part.
Now go to bed, or go to work, whatever you are not doing while reading this blog! Shoo!
What about me is so special? Nothing and everything. I have notable qualities that set me apart, for instance my hair color, but those are only really surface things. I could still have this hair and yet be a completely different person. It's what's inside, what I was born with and what I have become through environment that is special.
I am patient in all the wrong areas of life. When I want something, I want it yesterday. When someone hurts me, I am patient and let it slide. I don't know how that happened, I think it's a codependency issue from my parents, but I try to correct that the best I know how. Some things in life I think it's okay to want now, even if you can't have it. It gives you a reason to wake up the next day, a reason to love and cherish my thoughts and dreams.
I am noble. I come from strong stock that have had lots of things thrown at them, and yet we are all still alive. Even when the worst of my life has occurred, I think that the nobleness in my blood kept my head held just a little bit above the current at all times. I'm not saying that I can withstand any problems - I definitely have some coping issues dealing with life events - but I find that I can be strong if I need to be. I can garner up the audacity to be who I need to be at that moment.
I am an introvert, yet I am not shy. I'm quiet, bookish, sometimes seen as strangely calm. Inside I am a ping pong ball full of emotions, but to the person who only glances and does not look, I am but a shy little mouse. I do keep things to myself, I've tried to give myself permission to let my feelings be known, but that's easier said than done. I grew up with a best friend/sister figure who was outgoing, so I had no need to be that person in the group. I never really outgrew it, or else it's just part of my personality. I DO know that once you look at me, get to know who I am, you see that the introvert is still friendly and funny and crazy and random. I just show it to fewer people than most others.
I am a romantic. I believe in love as much as I believe in breathing. My whole life is about love in some form or another. I want things that are so simple and yet impossible anymore. I want kisses in the rain, I want afternoons curled up together reading books, I want culture and fun and moments that freeze in time. I want to not be afraid to speak my mind, whatever the outcome. I want to be loved for who I am, not what I can be. I want to love someone who makes me feel like I'm special, yet at the same time, I can't believe that this person would ever love someone like me. It's the awe of each other that makes the best relationships. The feeling of being lucky that someone has come across your path that is outstanding and actually feels the same way about little old you. I come across as a little standoffish, but inside is the heart of a poet, and always will be. To capture me, in my opinion, is to capture someone who will love you like you've always dreamed of.
I am a mother. I always wanted to be, perhaps not quite this way with divorce, but I will never divorce my son and I know he will always be an integral part of my life. He loves me in a way no man can, unconditionally, even when he is in trouble and yells at me for being unfair. He's upset, but he knows that I do it out of love, not out of uncaring. He is my charm, my precious. I would die without him. He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, he gives me reasons to be a child at heart again. God knows I haven't caught a firefly since I was 12, but here I am again, chasing lighted bugs around a backyard for my son to keep at his bedside.
I am smart. Intellectual seems a bit lofty, but I know what I know. Whether it be pointless facts I've absorbed along the way of life, or something I studied at one time, they are in my mind. I find that a lot of the things I know are because of the people I surrounded myself with. They taught me a lot, and their experience becomes my own. I read, I think, I write. I do the usual thing. I am 2 points from genius on my IQ. That's good enough for me.
I love happiness. I love looking into people's eyes and seeing reflected back love and friendship and happiness that they are sharing moments with me. Children, lovers, parents - they all have these eyes at some point to share. Connection is highly underrated. Having a connection is almost all you need in life to go forth and expand it. I connect to few people on a deep level. I like it that way. So few know me, and so fewer ever will.
I can cook. I can organize like no one's business. I love photography and I am a fan of history and genealogy. I try to be crafty, but am only mildly successful with making things by hand. I'm more of a thinker, an idea maker. I leave the hands-on to others who can make it happen. I'm happy just coming up with ideas. I love discussions and random things happening in my life. Seriously, I hardly seem to plan because I just want life to happen to me on a certain level. Even this week I had a random thing happen that was unexpected but I embrace it and make it part of my memory book in my head. I like to do that. I like it better when the randomness becomes part of my life, but some things are not up to me, and I have to rely on God and the other people in my life to make it so.
I like the color pink. I love roses and tulips. I have fired countless truck drivers over the last few years, and that's hard to do when you are 5'4" and 120 pounds. Not many drivers take a little girl seriously. I have hope. I have dreams. I live in a John Hughes movie sometimes, but it's better than nothing. I wish I had more girl friends. I get along with guys better - it comes from having 2 brothers and a dad, plus girls are wishy-washy a lot, and I get along with those who make me push myself to my limits, who make me the woman I should be, not just pander to what I lazily become. I like to be challenged.
So, this has not really become a list of my good qualities per say, but an overall view of myself. A blogography, if you will. I just wanted to vent out my feelings and make myself see who I am by writing it all down. I know what I want in life. It's just getting it that's the hardest, and ultimately rewarding, part.
Now go to bed, or go to work, whatever you are not doing while reading this blog! Shoo!
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
The Road Less Traveled
Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.
- eleanor roosevelt
I tend towards the philosophy of act now, think later. It's only been in the past year that I've understood what it means to do that. Granted, no one should ever go crazy and wild with their lives, making a mockery of all that they have built up in their years. The whole point of acting now and thinking later is that, at some point, you have had the discussion in your head about what you would do if you were in a certain situation, so that when the opportunity presents itself, you are able to act promptly and think about it later, as a memory. Nothing can be regretted if you don't try except the lack of effort.
I've been criticized for my life a long time. Most of my life, actually, is a series of "You can do it/No you can't" remarks from people. Gear my up and then shoot me down.
You know what? It's my life. I love encouragement, but the discouragement is something that I have plenty in supply on my own. I can think of a million reasons not to do something, but if one person tells me it's okay and gently coaxes me out of my shell, I can do anything. If someone believes in me and is strong enough to tell me, I will make them part of my life because they help me become who I will be. They are the pavers of the road that I have yet to walk.
The road less traveled is still a road, which means that someone has gone down it before, laid a path, and made sure someone else could see it and know there is exceptions to the main highway in life. The highway is scenic, set up so that you might lack for nothing, but in the end, it leads to cookie cutter houses and PTA meetings. The other road, the smaller path, may have only cottages and woods nearby, but it's in that setting that you can establish yourself without fear of being different. There are no neighborhood committees, just free spirits like yourself that have found the path that leads to true happiness - being who you are, just as you are.
I like to think the road less traveled has even more forks in the road down the way. That way, you can keep on choosing your path, endlessly getting lost and loving it because it is the way your heart lead you. If you are lucky, you'll find people of similar expectations where you end up, a small congregation within the whole of the world. It's those that live among you on your journey that make you who you are, share your experiences and see you as you truly should be seen.
So forget about the highway - endure the brambles and mosquitoes of the half paved path. You're scratchy and itchy, not always comfortable, but when you find a clearing, it will be more worth it than any 8 lane highway that's backed up for hours with the same monotonous people.
- eleanor roosevelt
I tend towards the philosophy of act now, think later. It's only been in the past year that I've understood what it means to do that. Granted, no one should ever go crazy and wild with their lives, making a mockery of all that they have built up in their years. The whole point of acting now and thinking later is that, at some point, you have had the discussion in your head about what you would do if you were in a certain situation, so that when the opportunity presents itself, you are able to act promptly and think about it later, as a memory. Nothing can be regretted if you don't try except the lack of effort.
I've been criticized for my life a long time. Most of my life, actually, is a series of "You can do it/No you can't" remarks from people. Gear my up and then shoot me down.
You know what? It's my life. I love encouragement, but the discouragement is something that I have plenty in supply on my own. I can think of a million reasons not to do something, but if one person tells me it's okay and gently coaxes me out of my shell, I can do anything. If someone believes in me and is strong enough to tell me, I will make them part of my life because they help me become who I will be. They are the pavers of the road that I have yet to walk.
The road less traveled is still a road, which means that someone has gone down it before, laid a path, and made sure someone else could see it and know there is exceptions to the main highway in life. The highway is scenic, set up so that you might lack for nothing, but in the end, it leads to cookie cutter houses and PTA meetings. The other road, the smaller path, may have only cottages and woods nearby, but it's in that setting that you can establish yourself without fear of being different. There are no neighborhood committees, just free spirits like yourself that have found the path that leads to true happiness - being who you are, just as you are.
I like to think the road less traveled has even more forks in the road down the way. That way, you can keep on choosing your path, endlessly getting lost and loving it because it is the way your heart lead you. If you are lucky, you'll find people of similar expectations where you end up, a small congregation within the whole of the world. It's those that live among you on your journey that make you who you are, share your experiences and see you as you truly should be seen.
So forget about the highway - endure the brambles and mosquitoes of the half paved path. You're scratchy and itchy, not always comfortable, but when you find a clearing, it will be more worth it than any 8 lane highway that's backed up for hours with the same monotonous people.
Just Blathering
Seriously? If I write one more poem that I can't let anyone read I am going to go crazy. I get so introspective in my words, for all I know no one would even bat an eyelash at what I write. Yet for me, it's everything. Does that make sense?
I've been trying to pour my heart out on paper, let myself feel the moment that I'm in. Even though there's a lot going on, I know that I probably will never be here at this place again, and I am trying to remember it, even if it's pain or heartache. When I look at older things I've written, i can transport myself back there and it reminds me of what I have learned and how far I have come.
I get my son tomorrow until Saturday. I'm excited. He and I will have a good time. I'll be stressed as usual, but I can't wait to see him. He called me on Monday because he missed me. :-( My poor baby.
Not only can I read the comments you leave here on my phone, but I can also access my MySpace account again with my cell. Yay for me! Now I'm mobile all the time. Kind of scary, isn't it?
Best love and wishes!
I've been trying to pour my heart out on paper, let myself feel the moment that I'm in. Even though there's a lot going on, I know that I probably will never be here at this place again, and I am trying to remember it, even if it's pain or heartache. When I look at older things I've written, i can transport myself back there and it reminds me of what I have learned and how far I have come.
I get my son tomorrow until Saturday. I'm excited. He and I will have a good time. I'll be stressed as usual, but I can't wait to see him. He called me on Monday because he missed me. :-( My poor baby.
Not only can I read the comments you leave here on my phone, but I can also access my MySpace account again with my cell. Yay for me! Now I'm mobile all the time. Kind of scary, isn't it?
Best love and wishes!
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
15 Ways To Describe Me
Someone posted a similar blog a while back. It asked to have you describe yourself with 15 words or phrases. It's actually harder than I thought it would be, because everyone is so complex.
Introverted
Witty
Romantic
Intelligent
Strong
Passionate
Caring
Friendly
Heartstrong over headstrong
Mommy
Spiritual
Loving
Musical
Random
Today was my first day at my new job. It will be good. I'm excited. Things feel good right now. I don't want to make that feeling go away. I like happiness and something to look forward to each day that's productive and gives me self-worth.
I'm going to sleep soon. Just wanted to give you a quick update that the job went a-ok, and I am a wordy person about myself. LOL
Introverted
Witty
Romantic
Intelligent
Strong
Passionate
Caring
Friendly
Heartstrong over headstrong
Mommy
Spiritual
Loving
Musical
Random
Today was my first day at my new job. It will be good. I'm excited. Things feel good right now. I don't want to make that feeling go away. I like happiness and something to look forward to each day that's productive and gives me self-worth.
I'm going to sleep soon. Just wanted to give you a quick update that the job went a-ok, and I am a wordy person about myself. LOL
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Optimistic
I've been having a nice, relatively calm weekend. It feels good to not have the ENTIRE weight of the free world on your shoulders!
I heard a rumor today about myself that was ridiculously inaccurate and impossible, but the mill never stops churning them out. Apparently, when I go to my son's soccer games with my ex, the ex and I are, um, doing the deed every Thursday. That's pretty funny, considering a) I have my son with me at all times, b) the mere thought of my ex touching me makes me want to throw up and c) my personality is such that if anyone knew me, they'd explode into laughter after all that has been going on, knowing how awful he and I get along in the first place.
So, no. Patently untrue.
As if you'd believe it anyway!
In other news, I'm starting to tire of my historical novels this weekend. The first one I read was excellent, it seemed to portray the period well and accurately. The last 2 I have tried to read (meaning, I stop after a couple of chapters) have been either historically inaccurate or written very poorly. I understand their concept - bring the past into the present where one can understand it in 21st century life's terms, but it's just not what happened.
So, I'm down to 2 books left. Maybe I'll actually read a couple of the books I own and not get new ones from the library! That would be different!
I've been writing again lately. I get tired when I write, it's difficult and emotional and I am exhausted when I am through. I put so many layers in my poems, so many meanings. It takes a lot. It's part of me that I'm letting go. I'd literally have to explain to a person each line and what hidden meanings are in each one. I wonder if that makes me a good poet or just one who complicates things. I'll try to remember to add some to my poetry blog, but currently I can't remember the password for it. LOL That's right, I'm locked out of my own blog. Sigh. That's what happens when you stop using it.
Happy Father's Day to my dad. He seems in good spirits today, so I think he had an okay day. Not spectacular, but my dad was never one for big celebrations. He likes things quiet.
I start my new job tomorrow. This will be a momumental challenge for me in many ways. I can't explain it, but I have obstacles to overcome to make this work and work well. It means putting my nose to the grindstone. I've done it before, I can do it again.
Onward with the week!
I heard a rumor today about myself that was ridiculously inaccurate and impossible, but the mill never stops churning them out. Apparently, when I go to my son's soccer games with my ex, the ex and I are, um, doing the deed every Thursday. That's pretty funny, considering a) I have my son with me at all times, b) the mere thought of my ex touching me makes me want to throw up and c) my personality is such that if anyone knew me, they'd explode into laughter after all that has been going on, knowing how awful he and I get along in the first place.
So, no. Patently untrue.
As if you'd believe it anyway!
In other news, I'm starting to tire of my historical novels this weekend. The first one I read was excellent, it seemed to portray the period well and accurately. The last 2 I have tried to read (meaning, I stop after a couple of chapters) have been either historically inaccurate or written very poorly. I understand their concept - bring the past into the present where one can understand it in 21st century life's terms, but it's just not what happened.
So, I'm down to 2 books left. Maybe I'll actually read a couple of the books I own and not get new ones from the library! That would be different!
I've been writing again lately. I get tired when I write, it's difficult and emotional and I am exhausted when I am through. I put so many layers in my poems, so many meanings. It takes a lot. It's part of me that I'm letting go. I'd literally have to explain to a person each line and what hidden meanings are in each one. I wonder if that makes me a good poet or just one who complicates things. I'll try to remember to add some to my poetry blog, but currently I can't remember the password for it. LOL That's right, I'm locked out of my own blog. Sigh. That's what happens when you stop using it.
Happy Father's Day to my dad. He seems in good spirits today, so I think he had an okay day. Not spectacular, but my dad was never one for big celebrations. He likes things quiet.
I start my new job tomorrow. This will be a momumental challenge for me in many ways. I can't explain it, but I have obstacles to overcome to make this work and work well. It means putting my nose to the grindstone. I've done it before, I can do it again.
Onward with the week!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)