Getting Older Yet Wiser?

Time flies when you're unemployed.

I have about 3 1/2 months left on my unemployment and nowhere nearer a job. I am a special person (ha) and it's difficult for me to find a job that is neither entry level nor in some specialty that I don't have. I joke that I could be the locker room attendant at the country club for the men, but really, there's not much out there. I think I'm trying too hard to find a perfect job, when just a JOB would suffice.

It's July now, my son has officially met ex's new girlfriend as of this weekend. The two things that bother me about this are 1) I had to go through hell and back when I wanted my son to meet who I was dating, but once the ex found a girlfriend, it was no problem for him to introduce her and 2) He has just started dating her and I'm afraid that it won't last and my son will be having different women in his life soon. It's just the double standard that bothers me the most.

Now that things are settling down a bit, of course my head is spinning. I am slowing to a near stop in all things decisive. It's good for me, I need to sort out stuff. I've spent so much time fighting with my ex and all of the other bad things that I haven't had time to assess my own personal wealth and needs. Now I have the moment to look at life as unbiasedly as I can and see what I need right now. This is hard work, assessing. I'm not a 21 year old anymore. I'm 31, reaching that point where kids' games are not fun for me (unless I'm playing with my 5 year old). I had that life that everyone thinks they want by the time they're 30, but in reality, I wish I had waited and not started until I was about this age. I'd have made more intelligent decisions, or at least I think I would have done so. The thing about getting married and having kids in your 20's is that you skip a part of establishing yourself. That's what the 20's meant to me. The 30's are when you know who you are and then you can build on what you want, but so many people want it all right out of the gate. I guess what I'm saying is that being in the 30's is a much more solid place than your 20's. Look at me, I got married at 25 and divorced at 31. Starter wife, that's ME! I thought it was what I wanted and now, looking back, I wish I'd had more patience.

But - you can't change the past, only what you do now. So I'm taking it all in slowly, making sure that I have the patience to see what it real and what I need in my life before taking steps. It's hard when you're used to being impulsive, but it needs to be this way for me right now.

So, find a job, get a place to live, learn to love properly - it's all going to take time.

Unfortunately, when you're older, you have less of it. :-)